observations from a nobody

The last few days have been nothing really special. I haven’t gone anywhere. I haven’t done anything. I have been home most of the time spending half the day bored out of my mind. Even though there are probably a lot of things I could do I have very little motivation to do anything these days. Things aren’t holding my interest as much as they used to. Hell, I even avoided answering the phone of one of my friends who is back in town this week for spring break, but I can’t seem to make myself want to do anything so I never picked up. Being tired isn’t helping either. As for tonight I have had a pretty bad headache for the last few hours and my parents don’t help at all. I saw a damn good deal on the Blackberry Pearl which I have wanted for an upgrade but my parents aren’t willing to do anything until my plan expires in December and I know I’ll get fucked over waiting. Everything is just being a pain in the ass.

March has been shit. I’ll try not to jinx April.

I went to the doctor today to get myself “in the system” with Kaiser. We had to switch over due to my dad so I was there to meet my new doctor. Seems like an ok guy. Had to go through the usual stuff. Asked me a few questions and then checked the vitals. Then I had to get refills for two things so it took us about thirty to forty minutes to wait for those to get done. After that my mom and myself headed to Wal-Mart to do some shopping and then it was to home. Since then I have been trading off between IRC and Unreal Tournament 3. Seems to make the hours fly by.

The last two nights have been the worst in the string of these waking nights and dreams by the truck load. It won’t go away, no matter what I do to try and rid myself of these thoughts. I have used advice from many people, have tried various methods to sleep easier but none have worked. Anytime I fall asleep I find myself trapped in some dream of impossibilities. Some completely unreal, others too close to reality. Some have a common theme, others too random to figure out. Friends are enemies, enemies are friends. It boggles the mind to think about. I am finding it impossible for me to clear my mind before bed with everything that has been going on lately. With every night that passes the more I want to just leave and go somewhere else in hope of clearing my mind and starting over, but then I realize that I am trapped where I am for some time without an exit. My days become nothing but repetition leading to boredom and depression. School. Home. Dread.

Where has my life gone and how do I get it back?

T’was quite the day today. Some nut attempted to shoot a girl at the school but got caught. The school was on partial lockdown until he got picked up by the cops. As for me, by the time I got there it was pretty much over. I miss everything.

The string of dreams that have given me the big ol’ “WTF” feeling in the morning have continued the last few days. These new dreams have been increasing in number every night and have become more insane in terms of content. I really can’t put it together to make sense. I won’t even bother describing some of them because they are just out there. It is killing my sleep schedule and causing me to wake up every hour or so. I keep trying to stay awake during classes and even while driving. If it continues into the weekend I am going to see about getting some meds or something. Anything to stop this cycle. I can’t handle it anymore.

As for school, in math yesterday we had a test. I probably did horrible. All I ask for is a C at best. I really hate the class and teacher. Although over the last week or so I have gotten to know a few people a bit better in the class so we often make jokes and comment about each other. As for today we had a debate in English. The first debate was the pros and cons of gun control. I found myself in the group who were tasked with the cons. Since the group was me and two girls I had to hold it up pretty much on my own. I defended and countered arguments until the debate was over. The teacher declared both groups equal and we moved on to the next debate. In this debate, about the pros and cons of patriotism, I was a spectator. Both groups fought hard but in the end seemed equal. The teacher asked the rest of us if there was anything else they could have used. I spoke up and mentioned something which seemed to catch the teacher’s attention. Bonus points for me.

Now I am just waiting for the old folks to get the fuck off the TV so I can play some Mass Effect.